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Becoming

by Siobhan Braun

No one ever told me that it was normal to be terrified about the birth of my first child.  No one bothered to mention the way my heart would swell over with the emotions of love, fear, self doubt, and a longing to make the world that much better for my child’s sake.  After the birth of my first son I found it absurd that I was responsible for someone so tiny, someone so seemingly perfect, and that it was me who needed to guide him towards becoming a great man.  

I’ll never forget the day I found out that Andrew was going to enter my life.  I was nineteen at the time.  I had forced my best friend to come with me to buy a pregnancy test.  I didn’t really believe that I was pregnant but I thought I would see just to be safe.  I picked a small rectangular pink box of the self.  I thought the packaging was cute.  Those were the kind of ideas I based decisions on back then.  I made tiny Stasia, with her small wrists and knobby knees, who at 18 barely passed for 14, hand the shiny pink box to the cashier.  The woman behind the counter had springy curls in her hair and bright pink lips.  She struck me as the kind of person who never left the house without her lipstick on. We could tell by the way she shoved the test into the bag and disdainfully handed it to Stasia that she was judging us.  I expected her to hand over an enormous Scarlet letter for Stasia to pin to her top.  I was certain that we would be mentioned later around her dinner table that evening while the cashier served pork chops to her family.  

When we got outside, Stasia and I laughed hard and long. We didn’t know how else to ease the situation, both of us trying our best to ignore the fullness of the moment.   Laughter was all we could do to make it appear that my life would go on as normal.

Looking back now, I wish I could tell the 19 year old me sitting on Stasia bed with the positive pregnancy test that it was going to be okay, that I could do it. That I was stronger and more resilient then I thought.  That having a child would shape my life in the most amazing way.  I wish I could show the me from back then the boy that Andrew has become.  I wish she could see his freckles and his dirty skate shoes that he never ties.  I wish she knew how much he loves animals and the way he protects his little sister and the raw honesty and love he shares with me.  Mostly I wish I knew then how wonderful being a parent would be.  

For months I could feel Andrew moving around in my stomach. I read all the birthing and parenting books but I don’t think I ever fully grasped that there was life growing inside me until he made his quick entrance into my world.  He was born 5 weeks premature with a full head of dark brown hair.   I was awkward with him at first, nervous about the tininess of him.  I doubted myself heavily.  Was I holding him correctly?  Was he getting enough to eat?  Why was he crying?  I felt destined to fail.  Nothing I did seemed right.  It didn’t help that I was so young and in a sense people expected me to be a terrible mother by default.  When Andrew and I would go to the store or the park I was bombarded with unwanted advice.  Everyone thought they needed to explain to me how to parent him.  It didn’t help that I looked just barely over the age of 16.  I felt like we were under a microscope. 

As Andrew grew so did my confidence.  I started to roll with the punches.  I grew a thick skin and learned not to be so sensitive to the criticism of others.  I felt like I could do it, that I was actually a good mother.  Although being a first time mom was nerve racking and emotional I found that I had never been so full and at ease in my life.   Within those first few months of Andrew’s life I really grew into myself.   It was as if for the first time ever I was really living.  

I think I have learned more form my son then he has learned from me.  He has taught me strength and patience and how to love so completely that it hurts.   I am so thankful for him.  Although he came into this world through a series of bad decisions on my part I wouldn’t change those decisions for the world.  I am a better person because of him.